Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Milk n' Shake

While I’m in the process of collecting my thoughts, I’d like to take a moment to tell a personal story, simply because it’s on my mind and I feel to a certain degree that it’s of the utmost importance in such circumstances as I will draw out. That personal story is regarding the proper method of shaking and milking one’s manhood after taking a leak.

I’m the Quality engineer at a particular facility which is part of a division of a much larger company – in total the company racks in about 10bill a year and of course is a world wide operation, blah blah. Last week the Purchasing manager for our site and myself took a trip to a potential supplier; I was there to perform an audit of they’re quality systems to asses whether or not they’d be on par with our expectations with respect to quality, and he was there with the package of items that we wanted them to quote. From their side was the company President, Vise president, Sales Manager and Engineering manager, all the heavy hitters – in this economy they want to secure the business.

Anyway we take the song and dance tour - they baffle us with all the usual bullshit I’m used to seeing in these situations - I occasionally chime in with my usual smart ass comments to garner odd looks from the higher ups, and next thing you know it we’re back at the round table (having also conducted my audit). Serious discussion ensues, I cover my audit results, the purchasing manager makes his demands and we’re flingin’ some good shit; they’re then giving their canned company power point speech over lunch fit for the fanciest metro sexual bum, and I’m digging into it like I don’t give a shit about what they’re talkin’ about – fuck, I feel like I’m the only one eating.

Anyway, no need to belabor the details… The meeting is coming to an end and it went quite well for both sides. Our purchasing manager gets up and says, “Where’s the restroom?” As it happens it was right around the corner, so he leaves for a moment and soon enough returns. At this point we’re all standing exchanging meaningless small talk about this and that when suddenly I look over at our purchasing manager and fuck an A, no shit, the poor bastard didn’t get a good shake. Not only did he put it away prematurely such that piss soaked through his khakis, but the way he shook his willy when he was finishing up caused some back splatter around his knee and thigh area.

So here I am, what the fucks a brother gonna say in this instance? I could see that everyone else was noticing it, and there isn’t a universal man sign for this sort of thing, so I quickly brought up football, looked away and tried to maintain my composure. After the fact when we finally got in the car, I didn’t even mention it to him, what’s the point. I mean come on, any self respecting corporate casual warin’ monkey in a meeting of the minds should know how to “milk n’ shake” his junk right? I mean, what a pansy…

When you’re warin’ khakis, you milk it like a cow, you give her a gentle shake, milk again, then shake again. When you’re done you GENTLY put your buddy away making notice of any residuals (nap it off with a friggin towel if have to, be gay about it). Every man knows once the dog gets back in his house he gets a little relaxed and a few drips can happen, but with the proper milking and shaking techniques this effect can be reduced – not only that, but for God’s sake, how about some 100% cotton boxers in this situation, ditch the tighty whities man, Christ!

Anyway, milk, shake, milk, shake. Get it right, keep your khakis clean.


  1. Now that's a funny story.

  2. Ha!
    Actually, if you really want to avoid following on drips, try sitting down and leaning forward - it compresses the bladder...

    Doesn't work if you've only got a urinal of course.

  3. Well, Sam,
    I have to disagree with you on that one. It’s a rule of thumb for me that unless it’s an absolute emergency, public shitters are out of the question, I just don’t do it.

    In sex ed. class they always taught you that having sex with a given person is like having sex with everyone they had sex with. By this rational, sitting on a public toilet is akin to rubbing ass with everyone who previously sat there before you. I’m no germaphobe or anything like that, it’s just a rule.

  4. whilst we're on the subject of bodily functions:

  5. Nice!
    See, now that's something I'd buy, and I'm completely serious.